20030714
hi mom
i am feeling very uneasy right now and i kind of just don't know who else to say anything to. i feel like i can't mention it to anyone. more than anything, i feel like i can't speak what i am feeling. i would call you but i can't talk to you right now. so i am writing it.
i know i am 21 years old. to many that would be prelude to adulthood. but i don't feel i am responsible enough to really have that title. i would imagine a 21 year old would know his place and his path.. but i feel like i know neither. i'm supposed to be a 'man' as you said. or did you say i'm not a kid anymore?
i feel like i don't know what to do anymore. its sad, it really is because at times like now, i can't do anything. i can't function. i can't do any task whatsoever because there is a feeling of helplessness deep within me. i want to do all these things, but in the face of the things that i have yet to do or have failed to do, those things mean nothing.
sometimes it seems like i have no chances, even when in the back of my head there is the optimism that says 'of course you have chances. life is all about chances.' and i dont know why but i give into that feeling of despair. maybe such a thing is that strong that i can't help but fall victim. but i don't want to give creedance to such a belief, at the same time; we are strong enough not to be victim to anything.
at the most honest i can be.. i feel very unsure about this life. it seems like a big mess sometimes. i have certain things sorted out yes, and then i have things that hang in limbo and leave me questioning. i look around and things just seem messy, disorganized and even more, i don't know the best way to fix it.
i want nothing more than to make you happy, make you proud, and to live up to the legacy of your success, your happiness, your sacrifice, your hard slaving effort. but once i see that i can't do it, i feel so bad inside. i feel destroyed when it looks like i cannot succeed you, when i can't live up to what has been given to me.
i just want to fix everything that is wrong. i have never come to you because i never wanted to stress you about my own problems, the things i should be able to take care of on my own. i have prided myself on being independent but i am nowhere near as strong as Livia. at any other time than now i know a lot about life and how to deal with its idiosyncracies, i enjoy life and the world around. and at times like now... i just don't know.
maybe i just never learned how to deal with things and now that i have things to deal with i'm stuck.
doob 15:46
20030114
either you've really got some issues or there is something out to get you. but don't be so fuckin self-righteous. nothing is out there to get you; there's just something that keeps getting triggered. your idiocy for example.
are things being done to you, or are things happening that you yourself could have prevented?
if you had better wheels or your superstar's on you wouldn't have slipped, fell, and lost your bus fare.
if you didn't stay so late you wouldn't have needed the bus fare and would've gotten a ride home.
if you had just met up with BroRM1 you would've been driven home.
if you didn't have to walk from one apartment to another, you wouldn't have lost your beanie.
if you just put the beanie on your head, you wouldn't have lost the beanie.
if
if
if
if you hadn't smoked you may not have been as clouded as to realize something after it has occured.
so many goddamn if's. tonight must've been about what if's and too bad's. you just aren't ready yet.
you seem to have abandoned a lot over the past month. abandoned responsibility for one. lifestyle for another. fears for another. remorse for another. you've managed to abandon yourself and many things. but have you recovered them? you feel no remorse for the things that you have spited. yes you've spited and squandered away the good things lain for you out of negligence and laziness.
but if i'm going to believe that nothing is being done to or for me, then all of it has been under my power. i have been given what i have earned. an average performance, and an average result ensues.
don't let yourself wane and flail into an abyss of notorious hardship when its simply a pothole.. or to descend into a cavern of doubt and insecurity formed out of a crack of fear.
what you did needed to be done. for you and to you by you.
you used to sacrifice and hunker down in preparation of the coming battle. you knew what you were undertaking and prepared, although randomly and without direction, you plunged through it all without doubt.
and now you sit in complacency allowing doubt to set in, fears to grow, tears to fester. where are you going? you spent much of your time tonight walking. where? for what? for one dollar and one beanie. for money and warmth. to fulfill a right to ownership and responsibility. you tried to be responsible in the way you knew how. you have a lot to work on is all.
maybe it all happened because you were a dick. maybe you question yourself now because you simply need to. when you get placed in a situation where you are alone, you may feel like you can trust no one but yourself. but if you don't trust anyone else, how can you trust yourself if you are just like them? if you see yourself in someone else, you can see them in yourself; they are there more than you think.
your friends are more there than they think. if you couldn't stay at their home, what kind of friend are they? if you have made them your friend that is an unquestionable agreement; those would be the only types of friends you would hold dear and close. if you think you would let them stay under your arms, why wouldn't they do the same for you? trust them. because you don't trust yourself right now, maybe that's why you can't place trust anywhere else. you have no basis, no control. have more faith in your friendships, in your ability to befriend.
but you need to be able to be trusted before your ability to trust is allowed. and use a phone dammit.
doob 04:41
20020630
i am in... pain?
you know, I kind of hurt inside.
yes, the lungs burn, but I've been smoking marijuana cigarettes all night.
yes, the nasal passages sting, but powder does that.
yes, the ears ring, but I've been too close to too many walls of speakers shooting shattering bass below distorted hi's.
the hurt; it's a different stimulus. it... aches. it twists. it sears. it hunkers me down like a two ton weight. it pulls me as if i am attached to chains at the nipples. it makes me seem helpless and hopeless. thus I feel alone and homeless. and i mean home-less; my life has no place.
I keep thinking, what can I do to lift this? what could I have done to avoid having this feeling now? What would have happened if I fought, if I knew what was at stake? Thats one of the bigger things, I didn't know what was at stake, I didn't know how to interpret the different words and I couldn't identify the reactionary feelings that those words impressed in me. Therefore I couldn't say the things that would have made a difference, or do the things that would show one.
I keep thinking, was there fair warning. was there enough time for me to alter the path that I am now on? are the words I am up against true to what they say? to what degrees?
final question.
whats worse: the feeling of being rejected, the feeling of being pitied, or the feeling that is either both rejection and pity or is nothing. both being feelings that are undefined. feelings that I know could be there and are, but leave me to question their actual presence versus my increasing paranoia. I suppose they are all equally worse, adding to the total 'worse.'
[in the moment]
guilt. remorse. hopelessness. insecurity. introvertedness. dependence. need.
doob 05:27
20020622
you know, how is one really to know they are doing wrong, or acting a certain way (or not), if they aren't told? or if they've never been called on such traits before?
i suppose i have done wrong by being so ignorant. or is it by being so naive? or stubborn? I didn't know about and was oblivious to the way I have been acting, and in that is my fault; I didn't check, I didn't evaluate, I didn't correct. Something that I had failed to do with many things I became conscious of. Maybe thats just in my abilities, the limit of their focus being on only limited things. the limit not encompassing another person.
and I hate lecturing. when it is of my character and the deepest root that i know of myself... I despise it. and right now i despise myself for having undergone such chastising, and for having allowed someone else to scold me in a condescending manner. its demeaning.. its pitying.. its pathetic.
what is?
this guy is.
doob 12:41
20020609
people say you wear an apron like the cook that prepared you.
hence you bake like your master intended you to.
your appetizers so fine, entrees so divine, and your deserts leave all who taste with a sweet tooth.
but what do you do when the eater prefers you
not as a cook but as just another eating fool,
devourer, predator, a scourer.
will she become the cook using oil, butter, and flour?
how sour indeed when the cooks deeds go unheeded,
when the feeded bites chews and gnaws on the hand that feeds.
doob 03:18
20020429
i don't doubt that you are at the core of my problems. I don't doubt that your involvement in my life has suddenly become the bane of my existence. In a weak way, and at the same time, in a strong way, you have given me strength and expansion, yet weakness and ignorance.
my action here has all but failed to justify my time here. momentarily, it seems I have infinite reach, a double infinite wingspan, but all the while the fantasy comes back to a misguided reality and I discover I am operating on limited potentials.
potentials like time. never enough time.
doob 11:47
20020428
"there's just something about wearing guys clothes, especially your boyfriend's, it could be a dirty old thang but it makes me feel all girly.. even a bit sexy..."
doob 06:05
20020419
Beauty, Inner Peace, and
I saw something beautiful tonight. The glimmer that just shines when something pure comes out. Like a flash on a camera, but maybe with a different enough wavelength to be non-visible?
heh, yeah, I may be talkin out of my ass, but in essence, that's exactly what I mean. Singing, and a little cuteness bringing out the joy in someone. full on, straight out Beauty, man.
I haven't seen up close what singing music did to a person, how it changed them by how it was sung, by who sang even. I think to those select few with the gift of voice, it is where their Peace comes from. And with Peace comes the clever state of Happiness. It's where they seem to be the calmest, the most comfortable, the happiest for sure. too bad written word doesn't catch dynamics and tone. shame really.
But yeah, what Karaoke will do to you!
Sexiness, cuteness, glamourous, Bette Midler, Kitty Kats, Sultry, Piano Lounge, and Mad Props are words that pop out.
.........
Dave is doing a good job...a really good job. I know what it takes for good results...well i do... ... ...ehhh, bygones. But I saw that everyone was having fun. Pure fun and joy from some. Good times. I give props for surpassing me. I'll hardly admit that easily.
........
I think I'm doing a good job of setting myself away from this change. Because its something I've lost, I shouldn't be mulling around its memories, else I want to be reminded of the "bad parts." I should move on from such mistakes and grow from them. Funny that I say that since I haven't even categorized them as such. but not associating myself with it has been relieving. sacrfice was ignoring a section of life that was purely attributed to the job.
........
and I'm really hating my lack of practice. Thats just it, I've lost practice in how to be a Student. I'm trying to get back into it.. its going. more with the explanation.
........
endnote: this set seems to have lots of self-deprecation, self doubt, and exhibits insecurity and confidence issues. questioning a lot man...as my other thoughts will suggest.
doob 06:27
Maybe Gal0501 really is a bitch. Like I barely know her in real life -- i met her once -- and really, what I do know is on a website. A site she just happens to maintain. Maybe just shit to build an image. for real! We always hear of em, but they're out there.
Webcelebrities Sham!.
You thought she was a witty, quick, uninhibited, free, articulate, expressive, mature, talented, good looking, intelligent, and utterly respected person, but no, Cammy Savyva...... is really Leta Haltschteq, a 27 year old, college dropout from Chaluka, Montana, with grotesque disposition, face like an exploded minefield, an artificial jaw and an overbite. With a tongue piercing of course.
The posers. who pretend to be other people for their own satisfaction, safety, or just sake. But more than that, just people wearing that mask, the disguise to gain attention from people whom would otherwise not notice them. That false face. or is it using a gimmick, to get their words heard, their thoughts conveyed? Another way to change an image? to create a perception that they are comfortable with, rather than allowing the outside world to create one on its own, for fear of "unconfortability?" Hey, if you have banners on your site, good marketing too. Pretty people always make money. heh. Market your talents, but most of all market your personality. Because thats what is going to attract a person right? Not material things, or physical, or mental, but just general personalitity. That's what draws us to know each other right? and what allows ourselves to trust someone, even through mere pixels on the screen, right?
How better a way for someone fiending attention to get you, or the public, to read about him/her and have them believe it, than to offer something the public sees as their ideal person? Because its those who read about other people that believe them to be fitting in some type of ideal, good or bad. and then deem worhty to invest time to find out more about. or to convince themselves of this ideal. We're making money on webcam's already. When will it be when we have to pay to read someone words because they are a published blogger? oh my, seque into another topic, later for that one.
and, Self-consciousness, Vanity, Cunning, Talent, and most of all Creativity are words that pop out about this topic.
But this was just a what if anyway. ;)
doob 06:04
20020302
Accept Ignorance?
intellectual maturity is acceptance of ignorance.
acceptance of whose ignorance? of an ignorance displayed by whom? acceptance of an ignorance by others? or an acceptance of ignorance by the person? if both, is it more mature to become ignorant or to merely become used to ignorance?
doob 08:06
20020228
We flow we fit. Like coffee seeping into the cracks of a cup.
We taste we sip. Satisfying gratifying desires we long
Sense of comfort in what we have.
Treasure and measure what we have become.
Individually I see, your life revealing.
So appealing so tempting so intriguing.
Just in you I see. Not my reflection I seek
but your life, I peek
In longing I look and search my place.
I see it. I want it.
My desires convince my needs.
Preoccupied, distracted, just to appease my greed.
Flowing in too fast. Dwindling down,
soaked and sucked.
Gravity overpowering, identity blurring.
Mental connection, provoking provincial minds.
In opening and dissecting, we find
Beyond contentment of a simple bond
Comes to expose the craving appetite
Deep desire, bare, for all to stare.
So now we must wonder where.
Is it going, is it stopping?
Will it end will it begin?
Too many questions in the air.
Do we dare?
I do
I finally have an answer.
And how and why you might wonder.
Because I care and I wanna stop this ponder
Whether or not you?re there,
In your bed, in your room, or on AIM
So here I am.
I want to
Be with you.
Do you?
:)
mmm ... do i ...
doob 20:15
20020207
.5
1/2
16 weeks
into the year, and I still feel unsettled.
I thought I had shed this skin of insecurity and frailness along with all doubt that I was a failure long ago. well, 7 weeks to be exact. I thought I had progressed past mere idleness and transitional woes and adapted, even grown from it. I thought I had been able to correct myself, evaluate my own life, my decisions, the impact every action implied and the consequences mistakes inherently carried. I thought life had new meaning and that I had become ready to reap from it new meaning for everything that it left in its wake. I thought I was ready.
I was wrong. or am I?
I have become more conscious, more aware, more sentient of the world around me, the atmosphere which pervades my world, the energies that flow throughout this plane of life. and yet this does me no good for it prevents action from reaction and leads to inaction. why? because I have become only conscious and not reactive.
The sinusoidal wave of my emotions has never more been apparent and I scold myself for having allowed myself to ride it with a board that can't even support what I want to do, that can't even keep my goals above water. But it sloshes me along like the Mavericks would even the best wave-rider and I give in.
I had/have given in to life and the tide of energy, leaving me extremely positive one minute, and utterly destroyed the next. I am relegated to positions of disappointment and aversion when only the hour before I stand utop podiums of confidence and undying optimism. I feel like a king, like the best that I can be, only to be struck down by that which seemingly confirms that I am the antithesis of my greatest dreams.
and so I trudge on.
I am still confused, still unfocused, still derailed. but at least I know it. but fuck me because I don't do anything about it. fuck me because I feel like I can't.
yet I will go on. because what else can I do?
doob 03:56
20020129
"you know, I never see you two together anymore"
Best friends always stick together and stay tight and are there for each other right? They know the other like their own self, maybe even better than they're own self right? they should. Then why haven't I felt like a best friend? or even a good one? sometimes I feel like a downright crappy one.
Bro 000901 was the first real friend I had here at school. He showed me the ropes to a lot of things that I wouldn't have otherwise been exposed to, let alone known how to handle. Reciprocal of that as well. and we grew in each others' company. That was first quarter.
Flash to second quarter. I guess I can see that I drift from his floor and therefore him because I spend more time on my own. But we're still cool and very much the same as in the fall, and even share some classes together. Actually, we got tighter with a larger network of people that quarter, where our History of Electronic Dance Music brought a bunch of us together.
Flash to third quarter where I hit my drought. By now I see he's developed new friendships with other heads that somewhat take the place of me. and why not? I was disconnected from the world for about 4 weeks. and I wonder along the way whether or not that affects anything. surprisingly it doesn't and we think to room together the next year.
Flash to now. After 1.5 quarters and half a year, I can tell that we are completely different. We meaning we two fools. Somehow becoming roommates didn't really strengthen us at all. I think in essence, because we have the other person in the room, that's our time together. We take that for face value, take it for granted and sadly, that's the gist of our living experience. But my job doesn't allow me to focus my time on my friends. and so I don't spend time with him or any other Bros as previously wanted.
So that makes me wonder. Is it me who's taken them for granted, become oblivious to the fact that maybe I'm not holding up my end of the bargain after all? Have I become so engrossed in my own life and tribulations and dealing with my shits that I've ignored and neglected almost all aspects of theirs? Sometimes I think that I've lost complete touch with everyone who I used to have a connection with, everyone with whom I enjoyed time with, and it seems as if I am so distant that I can't even initiate contact.
And yet, I find myself alone. If I haven't been spending my time with my "friends" where have I been? Who AM I spending my time with? What the fuck am I really doing?
I sit here, with roommate/best friend by my side, yet I feel alone.
I sit here, with friends all around the hill, some in every building in the dorms, yet I feel alone.
I sit here, with maxed out buddy list, yet I feel alone.
I sit here, succesfully connected to so many people in so many ways, and yet, I feel alone.
doob 05:54
20011212
"next time, don't leave one word from me, or i'm not going to trust you ever again"
i find it freakishly unfortunate that I only analyze once something has already happened. only once i leave my irresponsibilities to weave their problematic paths and then realize they've led me to roads that take me far far away from real life.
I had a second chance, I realized. and by telling him what I knew, I unwittingly confirmed that I broke his trust in that second chance. and now I'm on my third. one more strike and I'm out. fair enough right? wrong once and see the err of your mistakes. wrong twice and realize you must change along with them. wrong thrice and you and your mistakes are too far from a fixable path.
I'm on my last straw. and not just here. EVERYWHERE.
and thats why I have to remove myself from operations where I may possibly demean myself and others with a lack of disrespect and show of "trust." I've already been away from former active aspects of my life and I miss them, but I needed to be away from them. I realize that was just the tip. I need to be away. Odd how I repeat the exact same words now that I heard three weeks ago in that stunning talk that put me in my place. I've finally realized it for myself that I am on the brink of having everything crash upon me. Hell I think I'm in for a nice treat when my grades come back to me. This quarter of time will be the culmination of what has become of me and what I've ignored for so long. Gladly I take this break as a way to clean the slate, but I wonder if the chalk I've been using will ever come off?
doob 18:12
Trustworthy?
a lot of what I quietly and painfully wondered about myself, has finally played out into real life.
Bro 0104 situation has reached its peak dramatic point and the little stuff that has come from my involvement has led to a break in his trust in me. I may not have used brass knuckles or kicked him in the nuts, but I sucker punched him to the same effect, without him knowing. to me that's worse.
I fucked up and I have to work from a millions yards back to get back to the scrimmage that was his trust, before Her. before I began this sometimes-it-seems charade of friendship, with anyone really. is it really hoes before bros? I think it might be. sucks for me because I chase after something that eventually leaves me hanging. hanging without others to hold me up as I dangle. hanging without the friends that I thought I made but really just faked. this is all somewhat crazy talk for me but its coming out in decent force isnt it?
"i'm not really convinced when you tell me you're not a good friend to those who are close to you"
if there is an example of untrustworthiness, and other examples that are brought into light because of it, would one be convinced of that certain fact being brought to attention? is that enough? or is it not enough?
"if you didnt' see it before, or weren't aware of it before, that means you didn't know you were being untrustworthy"
but does that deter from the fact that i was being that way in the first place? just because I personally don't see doesn't mean I am not that way. when someone acts in love, people can see it, but if its natural to them, will they? will they notice something explicitly when in actuality its an implicit part of them? thats just an example.
whether or not I notice doesn't mean shit; its fully already there. its fully been there. and thats the gist of it.
no hiding behind ignorance, naivate, inexperience, immaturity. no excuses. responsibility is everything and if I don't attach what i say or do to me as a person, then I sacrifice my own words and actions and hypocricize myself.
you read about this shit and hear about it and you know it to exist; you see it in the real world. but do you really understand the intricacies of the human psyche, of humanity? its unreal to have it BE you when you're used to it being other people, distant from you if anything. its unreal to think like this when you've never had to question your own humanity, never bothered to look at who you are and what you should be. do you really understand what it is to be untrustworthy? or in love? or in sadness? No. and that's why I am clueless when I have to question the veracity of anything I do. yes, I have to, now.
doob 17:39
20011129
almost every second that I have a free thought to myself that isn't focused on a piece of work, I think about my failure. specifically, I think about this PA job and how I haven't done it. and then suddenly a wave of indifference and unmotivation hits me that prevents me from doing my work. and damnit if this blog doesn't contribute either.
doob 06:35
I find myself apologizing to near everyone. all who deserve a little better from me, but have yet to see it. and I don't know if I am or ever will be ready to show them that I am capable of more. I know I have it too and that is what really stuns me. How did I get myself into such a hole? I fucking don't know. And I want so hard to get out.. SO HARD to make things right again. and the sad thing is I know that once things may be set or will be on their way to be set, I'll have already begun the chain of events that make it unfixable. They already seem unfixable.
doob 05:46
20011128
oh.. oh!.. easy now.. eaaaasy... ah ah AH ... ahhhhhhhhhhhhOHhohooohhhh..
cherry popped, but damn its still a rough slide.
doob 20:29
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