20020129
"you know, I never see you two together anymore"
Best friends always stick together and stay tight and are there for each other right? They know the other like their own self, maybe even better than they're own self right? they should. Then why haven't I felt like a best friend? or even a good one? sometimes I feel like a downright crappy one.
Bro 000901 was the first real friend I had here at school. He showed me the ropes to a lot of things that I wouldn't have otherwise been exposed to, let alone known how to handle. Reciprocal of that as well. and we grew in each others' company. That was first quarter.
Flash to second quarter. I guess I can see that I drift from his floor and therefore him because I spend more time on my own. But we're still cool and very much the same as in the fall, and even share some classes together. Actually, we got tighter with a larger network of people that quarter, where our History of Electronic Dance Music brought a bunch of us together.
Flash to third quarter where I hit my drought. By now I see he's developed new friendships with other heads that somewhat take the place of me. and why not? I was disconnected from the world for about 4 weeks. and I wonder along the way whether or not that affects anything. surprisingly it doesn't and we think to room together the next year.
Flash to now. After 1.5 quarters and half a year, I can tell that we are completely different. We meaning we two fools. Somehow becoming roommates didn't really strengthen us at all. I think in essence, because we have the other person in the room, that's our time together. We take that for face value, take it for granted and sadly, that's the gist of our living experience. But my job doesn't allow me to focus my time on my friends. and so I don't spend time with him or any other Bros as previously wanted.
So that makes me wonder. Is it me who's taken them for granted, become oblivious to the fact that maybe I'm not holding up my end of the bargain after all? Have I become so engrossed in my own life and tribulations and dealing with my shits that I've ignored and neglected almost all aspects of theirs? Sometimes I think that I've lost complete touch with everyone who I used to have a connection with, everyone with whom I enjoyed time with, and it seems as if I am so distant that I can't even initiate contact.
And yet, I find myself alone. If I haven't been spending my time with my "friends" where have I been? Who AM I spending my time with? What the fuck am I really doing?
I sit here, with roommate/best friend by my side, yet I feel alone.
I sit here, with friends all around the hill, some in every building in the dorms, yet I feel alone.
I sit here, with maxed out buddy list, yet I feel alone.
I sit here, succesfully connected to so many people in so many ways, and yet, I feel alone.
doob 05:54
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