20020630
i am in... pain?
you know, I kind of hurt inside.
yes, the lungs burn, but I've been smoking marijuana cigarettes all night.
yes, the nasal passages sting, but powder does that.
yes, the ears ring, but I've been too close to too many walls of speakers shooting shattering bass below distorted hi's.
the hurt; it's a different stimulus. it... aches. it twists. it sears. it hunkers me down like a two ton weight. it pulls me as if i am attached to chains at the nipples. it makes me seem helpless and hopeless. thus I feel alone and homeless. and i mean home-less; my life has no place.
I keep thinking, what can I do to lift this? what could I have done to avoid having this feeling now? What would have happened if I fought, if I knew what was at stake? Thats one of the bigger things, I didn't know what was at stake, I didn't know how to interpret the different words and I couldn't identify the reactionary feelings that those words impressed in me. Therefore I couldn't say the things that would have made a difference, or do the things that would show one.
I keep thinking, was there fair warning. was there enough time for me to alter the path that I am now on? are the words I am up against true to what they say? to what degrees?
final question.
whats worse: the feeling of being rejected, the feeling of being pitied, or the feeling that is either both rejection and pity or is nothing. both being feelings that are undefined. feelings that I know could be there and are, but leave me to question their actual presence versus my increasing paranoia. I suppose they are all equally worse, adding to the total 'worse.'
[in the moment]
guilt. remorse. hopelessness. insecurity. introvertedness. dependence. need.
doob 05:27
20020622
you know, how is one really to know they are doing wrong, or acting a certain way (or not), if they aren't told? or if they've never been called on such traits before?
i suppose i have done wrong by being so ignorant. or is it by being so naive? or stubborn? I didn't know about and was oblivious to the way I have been acting, and in that is my fault; I didn't check, I didn't evaluate, I didn't correct. Something that I had failed to do with many things I became conscious of. Maybe thats just in my abilities, the limit of their focus being on only limited things. the limit not encompassing another person.
and I hate lecturing. when it is of my character and the deepest root that i know of myself... I despise it. and right now i despise myself for having undergone such chastising, and for having allowed someone else to scold me in a condescending manner. its demeaning.. its pitying.. its pathetic.
what is?
this guy is.
doob 12:41
20020609
people say you wear an apron like the cook that prepared you.
hence you bake like your master intended you to.
your appetizers so fine, entrees so divine, and your deserts leave all who taste with a sweet tooth.
but what do you do when the eater prefers you
not as a cook but as just another eating fool,
devourer, predator, a scourer.
will she become the cook using oil, butter, and flour?
how sour indeed when the cooks deeds go unheeded,
when the feeded bites chews and gnaws on the hand that feeds.
doob 03:18
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