20011212
"next time, don't leave one word from me, or i'm not going to trust you ever again"
i find it freakishly unfortunate that I only analyze once something has already happened. only once i leave my irresponsibilities to weave their problematic paths and then realize they've led me to roads that take me far far away from real life.
I had a second chance, I realized. and by telling him what I knew, I unwittingly confirmed that I broke his trust in that second chance. and now I'm on my third. one more strike and I'm out. fair enough right? wrong once and see the err of your mistakes. wrong twice and realize you must change along with them. wrong thrice and you and your mistakes are too far from a fixable path.
I'm on my last straw. and not just here. EVERYWHERE.
and thats why I have to remove myself from operations where I may possibly demean myself and others with a lack of disrespect and show of "trust." I've already been away from former active aspects of my life and I miss them, but I needed to be away from them. I realize that was just the tip. I need to be away. Odd how I repeat the exact same words now that I heard three weeks ago in that stunning talk that put me in my place. I've finally realized it for myself that I am on the brink of having everything crash upon me. Hell I think I'm in for a nice treat when my grades come back to me. This quarter of time will be the culmination of what has become of me and what I've ignored for so long. Gladly I take this break as a way to clean the slate, but I wonder if the chalk I've been using will ever come off?
doob 18:12
Trustworthy?
a lot of what I quietly and painfully wondered about myself, has finally played out into real life.
Bro 0104 situation has reached its peak dramatic point and the little stuff that has come from my involvement has led to a break in his trust in me. I may not have used brass knuckles or kicked him in the nuts, but I sucker punched him to the same effect, without him knowing. to me that's worse.
I fucked up and I have to work from a millions yards back to get back to the scrimmage that was his trust, before Her. before I began this sometimes-it-seems charade of friendship, with anyone really. is it really hoes before bros? I think it might be. sucks for me because I chase after something that eventually leaves me hanging. hanging without others to hold me up as I dangle. hanging without the friends that I thought I made but really just faked. this is all somewhat crazy talk for me but its coming out in decent force isnt it?
"i'm not really convinced when you tell me you're not a good friend to those who are close to you"
if there is an example of untrustworthiness, and other examples that are brought into light because of it, would one be convinced of that certain fact being brought to attention? is that enough? or is it not enough?
"if you didnt' see it before, or weren't aware of it before, that means you didn't know you were being untrustworthy"
but does that deter from the fact that i was being that way in the first place? just because I personally don't see doesn't mean I am not that way. when someone acts in love, people can see it, but if its natural to them, will they? will they notice something explicitly when in actuality its an implicit part of them? thats just an example.
whether or not I notice doesn't mean shit; its fully already there. its fully been there. and thats the gist of it.
no hiding behind ignorance, naivate, inexperience, immaturity. no excuses. responsibility is everything and if I don't attach what i say or do to me as a person, then I sacrifice my own words and actions and hypocricize myself.
you read about this shit and hear about it and you know it to exist; you see it in the real world. but do you really understand the intricacies of the human psyche, of humanity? its unreal to have it BE you when you're used to it being other people, distant from you if anything. its unreal to think like this when you've never had to question your own humanity, never bothered to look at who you are and what you should be. do you really understand what it is to be untrustworthy? or in love? or in sadness? No. and that's why I am clueless when I have to question the veracity of anything I do. yes, I have to, now.
doob 17:39
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