20030714
hi mom
i am feeling very uneasy right now and i kind of just don't know who else to say anything to. i feel like i can't mention it to anyone. more than anything, i feel like i can't speak what i am feeling. i would call you but i can't talk to you right now. so i am writing it.
i know i am 21 years old. to many that would be prelude to adulthood. but i don't feel i am responsible enough to really have that title. i would imagine a 21 year old would know his place and his path.. but i feel like i know neither. i'm supposed to be a 'man' as you said. or did you say i'm not a kid anymore?
i feel like i don't know what to do anymore. its sad, it really is because at times like now, i can't do anything. i can't function. i can't do any task whatsoever because there is a feeling of helplessness deep within me. i want to do all these things, but in the face of the things that i have yet to do or have failed to do, those things mean nothing.
sometimes it seems like i have no chances, even when in the back of my head there is the optimism that says 'of course you have chances. life is all about chances.' and i dont know why but i give into that feeling of despair. maybe such a thing is that strong that i can't help but fall victim. but i don't want to give creedance to such a belief, at the same time; we are strong enough not to be victim to anything.
at the most honest i can be.. i feel very unsure about this life. it seems like a big mess sometimes. i have certain things sorted out yes, and then i have things that hang in limbo and leave me questioning. i look around and things just seem messy, disorganized and even more, i don't know the best way to fix it.
i want nothing more than to make you happy, make you proud, and to live up to the legacy of your success, your happiness, your sacrifice, your hard slaving effort. but once i see that i can't do it, i feel so bad inside. i feel destroyed when it looks like i cannot succeed you, when i can't live up to what has been given to me.
i just want to fix everything that is wrong. i have never come to you because i never wanted to stress you about my own problems, the things i should be able to take care of on my own. i have prided myself on being independent but i am nowhere near as strong as Livia. at any other time than now i know a lot about life and how to deal with its idiosyncracies, i enjoy life and the world around. and at times like now... i just don't know.
maybe i just never learned how to deal with things and now that i have things to deal with i'm stuck.
doob 15:46
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