20020429
i don't doubt that you are at the core of my problems. I don't doubt that your involvement in my life has suddenly become the bane of my existence. In a weak way, and at the same time, in a strong way, you have given me strength and expansion, yet weakness and ignorance.
my action here has all but failed to justify my time here. momentarily, it seems I have infinite reach, a double infinite wingspan, but all the while the fantasy comes back to a misguided reality and I discover I am operating on limited potentials.
potentials like time. never enough time.
doob 11:47
20020428
"there's just something about wearing guys clothes, especially your boyfriend's, it could be a dirty old thang but it makes me feel all girly.. even a bit sexy..."
doob 06:05
20020419
Beauty, Inner Peace, and
I saw something beautiful tonight. The glimmer that just shines when something pure comes out. Like a flash on a camera, but maybe with a different enough wavelength to be non-visible?
heh, yeah, I may be talkin out of my ass, but in essence, that's exactly what I mean. Singing, and a little cuteness bringing out the joy in someone. full on, straight out Beauty, man.
I haven't seen up close what singing music did to a person, how it changed them by how it was sung, by who sang even. I think to those select few with the gift of voice, it is where their Peace comes from. And with Peace comes the clever state of Happiness. It's where they seem to be the calmest, the most comfortable, the happiest for sure. too bad written word doesn't catch dynamics and tone. shame really.
But yeah, what Karaoke will do to you!
Sexiness, cuteness, glamourous, Bette Midler, Kitty Kats, Sultry, Piano Lounge, and Mad Props are words that pop out.
.........
Dave is doing a good job...a really good job. I know what it takes for good results...well i do... ... ...ehhh, bygones. But I saw that everyone was having fun. Pure fun and joy from some. Good times. I give props for surpassing me. I'll hardly admit that easily.
........
I think I'm doing a good job of setting myself away from this change. Because its something I've lost, I shouldn't be mulling around its memories, else I want to be reminded of the "bad parts." I should move on from such mistakes and grow from them. Funny that I say that since I haven't even categorized them as such. but not associating myself with it has been relieving. sacrfice was ignoring a section of life that was purely attributed to the job.
........
and I'm really hating my lack of practice. Thats just it, I've lost practice in how to be a Student. I'm trying to get back into it.. its going. more with the explanation.
........
endnote: this set seems to have lots of self-deprecation, self doubt, and exhibits insecurity and confidence issues. questioning a lot man...as my other thoughts will suggest.
doob 06:27
Maybe Gal0501 really is a bitch. Like I barely know her in real life -- i met her once -- and really, what I do know is on a website. A site she just happens to maintain. Maybe just shit to build an image. for real! We always hear of em, but they're out there.
Webcelebrities Sham!.
You thought she was a witty, quick, uninhibited, free, articulate, expressive, mature, talented, good looking, intelligent, and utterly respected person, but no, Cammy Savyva...... is really Leta Haltschteq, a 27 year old, college dropout from Chaluka, Montana, with grotesque disposition, face like an exploded minefield, an artificial jaw and an overbite. With a tongue piercing of course.
The posers. who pretend to be other people for their own satisfaction, safety, or just sake. But more than that, just people wearing that mask, the disguise to gain attention from people whom would otherwise not notice them. That false face. or is it using a gimmick, to get their words heard, their thoughts conveyed? Another way to change an image? to create a perception that they are comfortable with, rather than allowing the outside world to create one on its own, for fear of "unconfortability?" Hey, if you have banners on your site, good marketing too. Pretty people always make money. heh. Market your talents, but most of all market your personality. Because thats what is going to attract a person right? Not material things, or physical, or mental, but just general personalitity. That's what draws us to know each other right? and what allows ourselves to trust someone, even through mere pixels on the screen, right?
How better a way for someone fiending attention to get you, or the public, to read about him/her and have them believe it, than to offer something the public sees as their ideal person? Because its those who read about other people that believe them to be fitting in some type of ideal, good or bad. and then deem worhty to invest time to find out more about. or to convince themselves of this ideal. We're making money on webcam's already. When will it be when we have to pay to read someone words because they are a published blogger? oh my, seque into another topic, later for that one.
and, Self-consciousness, Vanity, Cunning, Talent, and most of all Creativity are words that pop out about this topic.
But this was just a what if anyway. ;)
doob 06:04
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